Gray

What a nasty day. It's raining outside. The sky is gray. It's cold. My mood is pretty much the same. Choose to be happy, they say. Easier said than done. Be optimistic, they say. Be positive, they say. I don't see myself as being negative or pessimistic. I see myself as being realistic. I am just overwhelmed. It's not that I am not happy. It's not that I don't enjoy life.  But certain situations.....I just don't want to deal with it! I don't have room for all of the extra energy and emotions that these situations create. I don't handle anxiety and stress well so why subject myself to situations that cause be to be anxious or stressed? I'm just tired of fighting. I am tired of people expecting things from me that I just cannot emotionally handle. I can only be shit on so many times before I finally throw my hands in the air and give up. I just don't understand how a person can expect me to continue to subject myself to the same pain and disrespect over and over again. I don't function that way. I refuse to let myself be treated badly. I try to be a caring and loving person. But when you continue to treat me like crap over and over again....it's just not fair. I won't subject myself to it. Family is supposed to stand by each other. Family is supposed to be together. Yes, I agree with all of those things. But being family is not just about being related. Being family means treating each other with respect. Being family means being there for each other. I understand that family should stick by each other. But it's like marriage. It can't be one person putting in most of the work and the other person coasting by on the expectation that the other person will just be there no matter how they are treated. I'm sorry. I don't care if we are related or not. If you can't respect me and treat me like a decent human being, we have nothing to discuss. Maybe that is harsh, but it is what it is. Don't expect me to be there and be ok with you treating me like crap. If you want to show me that you are trying to change and trying to be better, then things will be completely different. But how I am supposed to just let it go when you don't even bother showing me that you are sorry or that you care enough to try to make it better. And our relationship, or lack thereof, is not only hurting me, but affecting the rest of our family and my relationships with them. I just wish they understood why I feel the way I do and put themselves in my shoes. It's not fair....they are always on your side....just because you have "issues." I'm sorry but a person's mental instability does not give them permission to walk all over people.