Time

I'm feeling a little down this week. My baby is growing up! I only have one child. My daughter, Alanna, who is 13. I am unable to have any more children, so that makes the fact that my daughter is getting older even more difficult. Seems like she went from being a goofy kid to this sassy, smart, beautiful teenager pretty much over night. She has her first semi-formal dance tomorrow night. So, the last week has been spent getting her hair trimmed, eyebrows done, dress and shoe shopping, and nails done. Today was the first time I let her get acrylic nails. I think that is kind of a milestone for girls...getting fake nails. Seems silly, but it is. I still remember the first time I got them. Anyways, after going about 10 different places trying to find the perfect shoes to go with her dress, we finally found some today. She got home from getting her nails done and then went to try on the shoes with the dress to see how it looked together. OH MY GOSH!! She looked so grown up. I can't. I just can't.  I miss my baby girl. =(

It's been rough.....

Well it's been a while since I have written anything. I know that I should be using writing to express myself and get my emotions out. But the last few weeks, I have not wanted to get my emotions out. I have wanted to keep them inside. I have not wanted to feel. I haven't wanted to think about what's been going on. But I need to. I need to deal with it. I need to process it. Ok, so here goes. My mom, she is my best friend. I talk to her at least once a day, usually more. I tell her everything. She gives me advice when I need it, and just listens when I don't want advice. She knows me better than anything in this world. But lately, she hasn't been herself. She gets confused easily. She repeats things a lot. I mean, I am completely aware that as people get older their minds aren't as sharp. But this is different. I actually started noticing little small things here and there a couple of years ago and suggested that she talk to her dr. She told me that she did, and the dr. didn't seem concerned. He thought she was fine. She isn't fine!!!! It has gotten quite a bit worse. Other people have notice it; people that don't even see her that much have noticed that she isn't herself. My 92 year old grandmother even picked up on it. One day she said to me, "something is wrong with my daughter. Please help her!!" So, that's what I am doing; Trying to help her. But I don't know if I can help. I went to see her dr. with her and he said he would schedule an MRI. She had the MRI done and now she has been referred to a neurologist. Whatever was on the MRI gave her dr. enough concern to send her to a neurologist, so obviously, something is wrong. I'm pretty sure I know where this is going. My grandmother (dad's mother) was diagnosed with dementia several years ago. She doesn't even know who I am anymore. And this is how it started. Dementia, alzheimers, it's most likely one of the two. I have known several people who have had one of those and it started out exactly how she is acting now. I am trying not to project I am trying not to assume. But it's pretty damn scary. She is too young for this. She is only 68. I can't go through this with her. I just can't.

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Saying this over and over in my head today. Letting your child fail is so hard. I just want her to succeed. I want her to always do her best. Right now, she isn't doing her best. Maybe I put too much pressure on her. Maybe I am too controlling. Maybe if I let go, she will prove to me that she can do it on her own. But it's hard to let go. For now, for my own peace of mind, I HAVE to. I can't keep obsessing about this and trying to make her do better. I can't follow her around and make sure she does what she is supposed to do. It's her job. It's her responsibility. And if she fails....well I guess that's on her. She will pay the consequences and hopefully learn from her mistakes. Sigh. Raising a teenager is brutal.

The Things They Carried

Well, I fnished "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brian. It took a bit for me to get into it. But by about half way in, I was hooked. This is not a book that I would typically read. I don't read much, but when I do, I definitely don't read books like this. I read books more along the lines of "Hunger Games" and "Divergent." Heck, I even read the Harry Potter series and The Twilight series. I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed this book so much. I don't like reading about war. I don't like reading about things that make me sad. Especially when it is things that really happened. I mean, maybe not exactly the way the book said, but they happened. But the way the book was written, I mean yes, there were parts that made me sad, but it was different. Not sure how to explain it. It just sucked me in. I am taking an 8 week World Lit course that begins in a few weeks. I have to read "The Complete Persepolis" for that course. I was hesitant to enroll in these courses but I knew that it would be good for me. I really need to expand my creativity and just thinking in general.I have always wished that I enjoyed reading more and I think these courses are going to greatly help with that!

Gray

What a nasty day. It's raining outside. The sky is gray. It's cold. My mood is pretty much the same. Choose to be happy, they say. Easier said than done. Be optimistic, they say. Be positive, they say. I don't see myself as being negative or pessimistic. I see myself as being realistic. I am just overwhelmed. It's not that I am not happy. It's not that I don't enjoy life.  But certain situations.....I just don't want to deal with it! I don't have room for all of the extra energy and emotions that these situations create. I don't handle anxiety and stress well so why subject myself to situations that cause be to be anxious or stressed? I'm just tired of fighting. I am tired of people expecting things from me that I just cannot emotionally handle. I can only be shit on so many times before I finally throw my hands in the air and give up. I just don't understand how a person can expect me to continue to subject myself to the same pain and disrespect over and over again. I don't function that way. I refuse to let myself be treated badly. I try to be a caring and loving person. But when you continue to treat me like crap over and over again....it's just not fair. I won't subject myself to it. Family is supposed to stand by each other. Family is supposed to be together. Yes, I agree with all of those things. But being family is not just about being related. Being family means treating each other with respect. Being family means being there for each other. I understand that family should stick by each other. But it's like marriage. It can't be one person putting in most of the work and the other person coasting by on the expectation that the other person will just be there no matter how they are treated. I'm sorry. I don't care if we are related or not. If you can't respect me and treat me like a decent human being, we have nothing to discuss. Maybe that is harsh, but it is what it is. Don't expect me to be there and be ok with you treating me like crap. If you want to show me that you are trying to change and trying to be better, then things will be completely different. But how I am supposed to just let it go when you don't even bother showing me that you are sorry or that you care enough to try to make it better. And our relationship, or lack thereof, is not only hurting me, but affecting the rest of our family and my relationships with them. I just wish they understood why I feel the way I do and put themselves in my shoes. It's not fair....they are always on your side....just because you have "issues." I'm sorry but a person's mental instability does not give them permission to walk all over people.

Emotional basketcase

Sometimes I think I experience about 50 different emotions over the course of 10 minutes. I am stressed to the max with working full time and going to school full time, worried about my mom, frustrated with my daughter, helping take care of my 92 year old grandmother who is mostly blind and mostly deaf; dealing with frustrating clients, finances, being mad, being happy, being overwhelmed, being frustrated, being flat out pissed off like I am right now, then feeling sorry for being pissed off and being mad at myself for getting that upset, back to being in a good mood again, then the cycle starts all over. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode. Pretty much had a full blown panic attack and emotional meltdown driving home from work yesterday. Too much. Just too much. But then I tell myself, QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!! THINGS COULD BE WORSE!! Ugh.

work!

Some days I really really hate my job. My boss is amazing but some days that isn't enough. Some days I just really want to throat punch someone. But then there are the days where my clients make me so happy and make me feel so much better about my job! I met with two clients today and both of them just made my day so much better. Made dealing with all the idiots not quite so bad. They care about me...as a person...not just because I help them with their legal issues. They want to know about my personal life. They pray for me. They pray for my family. When they call or email, they ask how my daughter is. And they appreciate me. They tell me how glad they are that they hired me (well...my boss really) and how they appreciate that I was nice to them. And sympathetic to their situation. Some people really make it worth it. Those are the ones. The reason I stay. The reason I do what I do.

TEENAGERS!!!

My 13 year old daughter is going to give me a heart attack!! She is a good kid. A really good kid. But lately she has made some not so wise choices. My mom was right! Now I get it. Now I know how she felt. Now I regret and feel horrible for the way I talked to her and the things I did when she wasn't around. The amount of worrying that a mother does is simply unmeasurable. Nothing she did was all that bad...so she got three days of in school suspension. Not the end of the world. She isn't doing drugs. She isn't pregnant. She doesn't smoke. But still, I worry. I worry that if she did this one little thing to get in trouble at school, what's next? If she has began doing things to impress her friends, at what lengths will she go to? I sure hope she doesn't go to the extent that I did when I was a teenager. I just want to hold her and cry. And then lock her in her room until she is 30. I worry for her. I worry about her. I want to protect her. I hate seeing her hurt. I hate when people are mean to her. I would rather someone punch me in the face than be mean to my sweet girl. But then, five minutes later I want to punch HER in the face. She is so moody!! Geez!! Have I really forgotten what it was like to be 13?!?!

My piggy

So I have a pet pig. And her name is Zoe. I am writing about her today because she came in to my life four years ago this week. People think I am crazy for having  pet pig but she is so much fun! She is a vietnamese pot-belly. She is the smartest dang pet I have ever seen. She does tricks better than any dog I have met. She sits on command, spins in a circle and even sticks out her tongue. She was so tiny the day I brought her home.

She was so scared! Every time I tried to touch her she would jump straight up in the air. Her favorite treat was raisins and she learned how to open her raisin box with her snout. We had so much fun teaching her new tricks! She lived in the house for about the first year, then she started to get too big and decided she would eat drywall when she got bored. So, my hubs sectioned off an area of the back yard just for her and built her a giant house. Now, she lives outside and she is a much happier pig. She spends her days rooting for whatever she can find in the dirt and laying under her heat lamp in her hay inside her giant house. Here is what she looks like now. 

She is one happy pig!

Maze Runner

I recently watched a movie called Maze Runner. The more I have thought about this movie, the more I feel like one of the characters in the movie. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a maze and there is no way out. In the movie, there are people designated to run the maze every day to try to find an exit. I feel like one of them. Every day, on repeat, same thing over and over again. There are these crazy obstacles they have to overcome and these horrible beasts that they have to fight. I feel like those things are all the shit that I have had to endure. It seems like it is just one thing after another. I feel defeated sometimes but then I think about all the obstacles I have overcome. I feel like I am never going to get out of this pattern....this maze....but then I realize how much stronger the process has made me. For so long, I have been so negative because of all the bad shit that has happened over the last several years. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. Each day I become less and less negative. And life is pretty damn good. I am on a long, beautiful journey and some day, I will defeat the maze!!

Overacheiver

Sometimes I think I have lost my mind. I work 40 plus hours a week for a law firm, pick up some side work from another attorney, go to school full time, raise my daughter and take care of a small zoo. I have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a pot-bellied pig, so really it is a small zoo. My husband helps when he can but he is also a full time employee and student. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. But then I remind myself that 5 or 6 years really isn't all that long to put myself through hell for the outcome that I will receive when I complete school. Right now, I have it somewhat easy. Not to say that all of my classes are super easy but I don't think completing my bachelor's is near as challenging as what law school will be. Have I lost my damn mind? Nope. I'm just a freaking overachiever. And I have to stay busy. I was so looking forward to Christmas break but then I found myself getting bored and actually being anxious for school to start back up. What is wrong with me?!

Writer's block already?!?!

Well, I have tried this blogging thing a couple of times but have never kept it up. On a whim, I will get in the mood to do it, post a couple of things, then ignore it for months and months (or years) at a time. I just never know what to say. I have never really considered myself to be a great writer. I just don't ever know what to say. So, I am really hoping this creative writing class will help me expand my mind and become more creative. I guess I am a bit neurotic. Maybe that's my problem. I am a super organized and very structured person and I think that hinders my ability to be creative. I over analyze and over thing everything.

So, I guess I will just start with telling you a little about myself. I am 35 years old. I have a 13 year old daughter. Her name is Alanna. She is my world. She is the most beautiful, wonderful, talented, amazing person. Of course, I am partial. But she reallly is amazing. She is an old sole. She has days where she acts her age but most of the time she is mentally and emotionally about 25. She is very creative. She loves to draw, paint, sing and read. I don't do much of any of those things. She gets it from her dad. She wears her heart on her sleeve. She loves everyone. She takes time during her school day to go to the special needs class and read to them. And she loves it. She will do anything for anyone. She stands up for herself and for anyone that she sees being bullied or picked on. She is just......AMAZING.

 I am married...have been for almost 6 years. Not to Alanna's dad. My husband's name is Bruce. We met through mutual friends and occasionally hung out together before we really started dating. He has a 19 year old daughter. I love her dearly but to say she is challenging is the understatement of the year.

I guess that is all the important stuff. I am looking forward to learning more about myself through this class. I am actually really nervous but I think it will be really good for me. I need to get out of my own head and learn how to express myself.